How to show up for a friend who’s grieving
I’ve been getting this question quite a bit lately so I thought I would write a blog post about it. And I love that people are trying to show up well for their friends and relatives. It says so much about your heart when you ask a question like “How do I show up for a friend who has lost someone?”, to someone who has been on the other side of things.
It’s such an important question. But the truth is, when someone is grieving, it can feel hard to know what to do. We don’t want to say the wrong thing, or we feel unsure of what would actually help. And to be completely honest, it’s hard for me to know what to do or say and I have been on the grieving side of things! I still put my foot in my mouth [which I did quite recently], or go blank on what to say or even what to do. But having a list like the one below is a huge help when your mind does go blank or you when you want to show up in a very intentional and gently yet powerful way for your people.
I remember just a few short weeks after my first husband passed away, walking into our Sunday gathering felt like one of the hardest things I’d ever done. So, I started serving in children’s church. Honestly, more often than not. It gave me something to do, somewhere to be that didn’t feel so heavy.
One morning, I was serving in the toddlers’ class alongside a sweet twenty-something gal. She knew about my loss and was clearly trying to be kind and friendly as we chatted between games and snack time. But then she asked a question I’ll never forget… and it was only weeks after my husband’s passing. She looked at me and asked, “Do you think you’ll ever get remarried?”
My breath caught.
I know her heart was probably in the right place. Maybe she wanted to remind me that there was still hope for the future, that life could hold joy again one day. But in that moment, it was just too soon. I wasn’t ready to think about someday, I was still trying to survive today.
So, in hopes of saving you some moments like this one, here are a few thoughts from my own experience and from watching what has really meant something to people walking through loss.
1. Don’t ask “how can I help?”… just help.
When someone is in the middle of grief, their mind is foggy. Trust me, I know! The simplest decisions can feel impossible, like what to make for dinner, or if the kids need a day out at the park, or even so simple as whether there’s enough coffee in the house.
When we ask, “How can I help?”, it puts the mental load back on them. Most people can’t think clearly enough to answer. It puts an unwanted and not needed burden on them to have an answer for you. And I get that you have the best of intentions with this kind of question, after all, no one wants to show up and do something that is not needed. But trust me when I say, any small thing is a huge thing when someone in dealing with grief. I remember after loosing my husband, a friend offered to run out and find 5-6 dresses in my size that could work for the funeral, she brought them over to my house, let me try and pick the one I wanted and then she returned the rest back for me. Friends, this was HUGE! Such a practical way to show up for someone in a way that is not really obvious but very very impactful.
Here are some other specific and practical ways you can offer help
Say things like:
“I’m at the grocery store, can I grab you anything?”
“I picked up extra snacks at Costco; can I run them by your house?”
“We are raking the leaves in our yard this weekend, could we come rake the leaves in your yard as well?”
“I’m grabbing a rotisserie chicken for dinner, want me to bring you one?”
“I’ve got a free Saturday morning; would it help if I came by to sweep floors or clean windows?”
“I am taking my kids to the park tomorrow, want to meet up with us? I’m bringing the coffee!”
“I know your birthday is this weekend, could I take you out to eat at your favorite restaurant”
These are the things that lighten the load without asking them to manage one more thing.
2. Reach out during the quiet, lonely moments.
Grief has a way of sneaking in during the still moments, evenings and weekends. And also the busy moments, like holidays, birthdays or Sunday mornings at church can be especially hard when everyone else walks in with their families. All of these are reminders of the huge gap that is left. The quiet of the evenings seems to swallow your heart whole, while the empty chair at the thanksgiving table is just another reminder of what is lost.
Those are the times to send a simple text:
“Thinking about you today. No need to reply, just wanted you to know.”
That “no need to reply” part is so important.
Even when messages are kind, they can feel overwhelming to read through and respond to. Giving your friend permission to just receive the love without having to respond is a true gift.
3. Take the pressure off yourself to say the perfect thing.
When something big and painful happens, people tend to get awkward. We avoid eye contact, we say less, we stay quiet, or we say way to much trying to say the perfect thing. Not because we don’t care, but because we genuinely don’t know what to say and do.
Here’s the truth: you won’t know what to say, and that’s okay.
Nothing you say will fix it, and it doesn’t need to.
What matters most is your presence.
Hug deeply. Sit quietly. Be there.
Talk to them like they’re still the same person, because they are! They’re just hurting right now. And if you say the wrong thing, it is okay to say “I’m sorry, I should have not said that”.
Treat them as whole, not broken. That’s one of the most healing things you can do.
I remember how healing it was that one of my friends treated my like a normal person. She would hug me tightly, not like I was going to break, but like I was the same friend as before. She didn’t ask me to move seats and sit next to her in Sunday gathering, instead, she moved her spot to sit next to me for the next two years. That small action spoke louder than any words ever could.
4. Keep doing normal life with them.
Grief can make life feel like life has stopped, while the rest of the world keeps spinning. But it helps so much when friends keep inviting them into ordinary moments:
Go for coffee.
Take a walk.
Eat dinner together.
Watch a movie.
Sometimes what your friend needs most is just to be reminded that they still belong, that life still holds space for them.
In closing, you don’t have to have the perfect words or grand gestures.
Showing up in small, steady, normal ways makes all the difference. Remember that their world has stopped spinning, and while yours is still spinning full speed, the effort and time it takes to take a second to send a text, offer help, or drop something by, will help them remember they are not alone.
Love them with your full presence, not with pressure or perfection.
And remember, your simple act of showing up might be the thing that helps them keep going.
